How To Cope With Feelings of Jealousy
Jealousy is a negative emotion that occurs when a person feels resentful or fearful that they are going to lose the affection or attention of another person due to their interactions with a third person.
While it is normal to feel jealousy from time to time, it can become a problem if it is not expressed in a healthy way. Find out more about what jealousy is, how to cope with it, and how it is treated.
What's the Difference Between Jealousy and Envy?
While envy and jealousy are both negative emotions and are often (mistakenly) used interchangeably, they are actually quite different. With jealousy, the person who is jealous resents (or may be fearful) another person who takes away, or is likely to take away, the affections and attentions of another person they care about.12
Most often, you see jealousy in romantic relationships, but jealousy can occur in any relationship including parent-child relationships, friendships, and even co-workers. It is important to note that jealousy almost always involves at least three people.1
Meanwhile with envy, the person who is envious feels discontent or resentment toward another person based on their achievements, possessions, attributes, qualities, and more. Unlike jealousy, envy usually only involves two people—the person who is envious and the person they are envious of.2
What Causes Jealousy?
Although the root cause of jealousy can be highly individualized, there are some general characteristics and circumstances that can perpetuate jealousy. For instance, a person may be more prone to jealousy if they are insecure, feel inadequate, have a fear of abandonment or loneliness, have low self-esteem, or tend to compare themselves to others. People also can feel jealous if their partner has been unfaithful, or a friend has done something in the past that makes them seem untrustworthy.34
Some evolutionary psychologists believe that jealousy is actually an emotion designed to let someone know that an important relationship in their life might be at risk. They believe gaining insight into the evolutionary insights of undesirable emotions, can help people shake them off.5
Research shows that jealousy also can be rooted in control, particularly in abusive relationships. In fact, jealousy is often the first sign that a relationship could progress to one that is unhealthy—especially if jealous feelings are not expressed in a healthy way. In abusive relationships, jealousy may appear to be rooted in love at first, but this response is actually more about possessiveness and control.6
Signs of Jealousy
The most common signs of jealousy include feelings of resentment, hurt, and loss of trust. Interestingly, though, jealousy does not have a distinct or recognizable facial expression like you might find with anger or sadness. Instead, jealousy is considered a compound emotion that is comprised of several emotions including anger, sadness, fear and surprise.7
Jealousy also can be considered pathological if its display goes beyond what is deemed acceptable by society. In these situations, jealousy can become obsessive and delusional, especially with regard to romantic jealousy. In extreme cases, it can even lead to male-to-female violence, self-harm, and even murder.7
People with obsessive romantic jealousy suffer from unpleasant and irrational thoughts that their partner could be unfaithful, so they may compulsively check up on their partner. Meanwhile, those with delusional jealously form strong, but false, beliefs that their partner is unfaithful without having any proof.7
In an abusive relationship, someone who is jealous may get angry or question the faithfulness and integrity of their partner—even when there is nothing to warrant it. They also may call frequently, drop by unexpectedly, stalk their partner on social media, and control who they can see and when.6 Here are some other unhealthy signs of jealousy:4
Your partner, friend, or family member demands you spend all of your time together.
They require you to check in or share your location.
They establish rules about who you can talk to.
They are suspicious and possessive.
They monitor your emails, messages, and phone calls.
Possible Complications of Jealousy
Although jealousy is a normal human emotion and everyone experiences it as some point in their lives, it also can become extreme for some people. When this happens, the person experiencing jealousy may face a number of negative consequences or complications.
For instance, research indicates that jealousy can lead to a number of negative emotional consequences. These include disruptions in sleep, obsessive thoughts, and anxious-depressive symptoms. They also may withdraw from social relationships and stop participating in activities they enjoy so that they can devote their time to the relationship they are afraid of losing.8
People who experience extreme levels of jealousy may also hate being alone and have a skewed sense of reality. They also may feel fearful, anxious, or empty inside. If the person experiencing jealousy is a young person, they are even at risk for substance abuse and often engage in risky sexual behaviors.8
For the person on the receiving end of jealousy, they may experience confusion, anxiety, and fear as the jealousy and control escalates. They may even feel like they are walking on eggshells, afraid that they are going to do something to upset their partner. When the jealousy first appears, they may be surprised by the behavior and feel caught off guard. But as time progresses, they may lose patience and want to end the relationship, but often do not know how.4
How to Express Jealousy in a Positive Way
If you are experiencing jealousy in one of your relationships, it is important to talk with your partner, friend, or family member. Be honest about your feelings and what you are thinking—without putting blame on someone else. Then listen to their response. There's a good chance that your conversation will strengthen your relationship.4
Opening up about your jealousy provides the other person with an opportunity to see where you are coming from. Just keep in mind that you might have to talk about it several times before you both feel comfortable. It also is important to consider the timing of your conversation. You want to be sure you are calm and able to share your points without making accusations.4
What Is Self-Care?
How to Deal With Jealousy
The key to a healthy relationship is open and honest communication about how jealousy is impacting you. But it is equally important to be able to recognize jealous feelings early and know how to handle them in a healthy and productive way.
Here are some tips for handling jealousy:49
Take a deep breath and remember that jealousy is a feeling and not reality and you have a choice about whether or not to act on it.
Acknowledge the feeling of jealousy but do not dwell on it. If you imagine your partner is cheating and obsess about it, you are likely to see evidence where there is none.
Think about whether you stand to gain anything by acting on your jealous impulses. Most of the time it just makes things worse. If you feel the urge to act on violent impulses or to harm yourself or others, you can reach out to the National Suicide Hotline for free and confidential support.
Accept that there are no guarantees in relationships and if you are truly unable to trust your partner or friend, you may have to let the relationship go.
Set boundaries in the relationship together to determine what you are both comfortable with and what makes you uncomfortable.
Remember trust is something that you give, not something that is earned. Even if your partner cheated in the past, you should not throw the past in their face or use it to justify your jealousy.
Treatment for Jealousy
If your tendency toward jealousy is starting to interfere with your daily life, negatively impact your relationship, or makes it difficult for you to do your job or care for yourself or others, it is important to see a mental health provider about your symptoms and your feelings.
Learning how to manage your jealous feelings in a healthy way can have a positive impact on your relationships as well as your overall well-being. Here are some ways that jealousy can be treated:1011
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT is a form a psychotherapy. Treatment focuses on identifying and modifying negative thought processes and problematic behaviors through behavior techniques and cognitive restructuring.12
Mindfulness and acceptance-based approaches: Strategies that incorporate mindfulness, are used to help you recognize your thoughts, physical sensations, and emotions and engage in activities to change these things.13
Antipsychotic medication: These medications are used to help manage symptoms related to delusions or breaks with reality, including delusional jealousy.14
