How to Identify and Break a Trauma Bond
A trauma bond is a strong, emotional bond or attachment that occurs between a victim and their abuser. These types of bonds usually thrive when fear and affection are intermingled. The end result is a complicated relationship that may be difficult to disentangle from.
Knowing how to recognize trauma bonding, what causes it, and why it happens, are the first steps in breaking free and finding healing. This may include ending the relationship, seeing a mental health professional, and connecting with an advocate.
When Does Trauma Bonding Happen?
Typically, trauma bonding occurs when the person who is being abused begins to develop a bond with the person abusing them. Not only may they develop a strong emotional connection to the abuser, but they also may depend on them in some way such as for food, clothing, shelter, or affection.
Trauma bonding, which is similar to Stockholm syndrome, can develop over days, weeks, or months, and can be influenced by the severity of the abuse, how long it continues, and the person’s coping skills. That said, it is important to note that it is never the victimized person’s fault when a trauma bond develops.1
While trauma bonding can occur in almost any abusive situation where there is a power imbalance, there are several scenarios where the potential for trauma bonding to occur is more likely. Some examples include:2
Domestic abuse
Child abuse
Incest
Elder abuse
Kidnapping or hostage situations
Human trafficking
Religious extremism or cults
Workplace abuse
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Why Does Trauma Bonding Happen?
Trauma bonds are rooted in a person's innate need for attachment.3 Usually, trauma bonding occurs when the person being abused feels threatened and receives harsh treatment intermingled with acts of love and kindness. They also are usually isolated from other people's perspectives and believe there is no escaping their situation.4
When exposed to these abusive and traumatic situations, the logical part of the person's brain is not the part that responds. Instead, the part of the brain responsible for ensuring survival takes over, while other brain chemicals that handle fear suppress the part of the brain that makes logical decisions.4
Because this survival brain (or amygdala) is more concerned with survival instead of logic, attachments start to form. The end result is very complex situation in which the relationship consists of both fear and comfort.4
Repeated exposure to this kind of relationship also alters the brain and the way a person thinks, often leaving the person who is being victimized feeling numb and disconnected from themselves. Feeling something mostly revolves around chasing an intense emotion. It is this intensity, combined with familiarity, that may keep the person bonded to the person abusing them.5
There also is some evidence that highly empathetic individuals who experience abuse may be more prone to trauma bonding. This also could explain why they have trouble recognizing the abuse they are experiencing and instead engage in self-blame. More research is needed, though, to determine the specific connection between empathy and trauma bonding.6
Risk Factors for Trauma Bonding
There also are certain factors that make people more susceptible to trauma bonding. For instance, people who have the following characteristics may be more likely to form a traumatic bond with an abusive person:78
Have attachment insecurity
Experienced childhood maltreatment
Exposed to abusive relationships growing up
Have a lack of social support
Display signs of low self-esteem
Symptoms of Trauma Bonding
While everyone responds to trauma differently, there are a number of ways in which people can be affected by trauma. For instance, the impact of trauma can be subtle, insidious, or overtly destructive. Here are some of the more notable reactions someone might have to trauma:1
Emotional reactions: A person who experienced trauma may display anger, anxiety, fear, sadness, and shame. They also may have numbing response where they appear detached from thoughts, behaviors, and memories. And, it is not uncommon for them to experience emotional dysregulation.
Physical reactions: When someone has experienced trauma—whether ongoing or short-lived—they often display physical symptoms. For instance, they may experience sleep disturbances. It also is not uncommon for them to have gastrointestinal, cardiovascular, neurological, musculoskeletal, respiratory, and dermatological disorders.
Cognitive reactions: Some of the most notable cognitive reactions to trauma include intrusive thoughts and memories. A person who experienced trauma also may make inaccurate rationalizations, idealizations, or justifications for the person who abused them, particularly if the person was a caregiver or partner.
Behavioral reactions: People who have experienced trauma are more prone to self-harm including suicide ideation. They also may engage in avoidant behaviors or alter their behavior in some way to keep in an attempt to keep the abuse from happening again. They even are at risk for substance abuse issues.
Consequences of Trauma Bonding
There are a number of ways in which trauma bonding can impact a person. But one notable consequence is the overproduction of cortisol. Usually, cortisol is released to give you energy when you are faced with something stressful. But when you experience abuse on a consistent basis, your body will produce an overabundance of cortisol, which can, in turn, damage your immune system, make you more prone to illnesses, and cause high blood pressure.3
There also are a slew of other health issues that can occur as a result of a trauma bond. Research has shown that abuse can trigger everything from asthma and fibromyalgia to sexual dysfunction and depression.3 Here are some additional consequences of trauma bonding include:2
Making excuses for or defending the person who hurt you
Becoming isolated from family or friends
Engaging in self-blame or believing you deserve the abuse
Feeling attracted to untrustworthy people
Going above and beyond to help people who have hurt you
Attempting to get people to like you even when they are clearly using you or hurting you
Maintaining contact with people you know will cause you more pain
Trusting people who have proven untrustworthy
Feeling unable to leave unhealthy relationships
Trying to be understood by people who do not care to do so
Attempting to convince someone who won't listen that there is a problem
Staying in contact with a person who has abused you even though they do not take responsibility
Obsessing about someone who has hurt or harmed you even though they are gone
Remaining committed to people who have hurt or betrayed you
Keeping secrets about exploitation or abuse
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How to Break a Trauma Bond
Perhaps the hardest part of breaking a trauma bond, is recognizing that it needs to be done. But, once you have made a decision to end the relationship and move on, it is important that you put a plan in place first. Many times, people who abuse others will go to great lengths to keep a relationship intact, so you need to lay some groundwork first to ensure your safety.
Start by surrounding yourself with professionals: This may mean contacting advocates, support group members, friends, or mental health professionals. The key is that you have a support network who will help you make preparations to leave.
Consider putting a safety plan in place: Someone experienced with abusive situations and how to safely leave them can help you think through what you need to do in order to exit the relationship safely.
Make a clean break: Once you have decided to leave an abusive relationship, it is important to leave and not look back. Trying to work things out or giving warnings that you are leaving will only undermine your plan. You also should make a concerted effort to cut off all contact. You need this separation to think straight and allow your brain learn to think more logically.
Stay safe and take care of yourself: Once you leave an abusive relationship your personal care and safely should be among your top priorities. Consider practical changes like changing your number and protecting your online safety as well as personal changes like learning to recognize your value and your worth. It also can be helpful to know where to go in an emergency as well as where to find mental health support.
How to Heal From Trauma Bonding
While it is true that trauma bonds can seem challenging to overcome, with time and patience, it is possible to heal and move on. The best way to accomplish this is through the help of a licensed mental health professional and a solid support network.
Not only can individual therapy be beneficial to your recovery, but it also can be instrumental in teaching you new ways to think about yourself and others. You will learn to recognize where you are at, accept your feelings, and be honest with yourself—even when you have mixed emotions about your relationship ending. Just remember, this is a journey that takes time. But with a committed effort, healing will take place.3
Also, keep in mind that healing is a very individual process. Together, with a mental health professional, you can develop a plan on how to heal from the abuse you experienced. That said, some people find that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is useful while others may find dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) helpful. In fact, DBT is often used with people recovering from trauma.9 The key is that you are receiving the help you need so that you can heal and feel good about yourself.
Resources
If you believe you are experiencing trauma bonding—or if you have just escaped a traumatic relationship and you want help, there are resources available to assist you. Many of the following national organizations offer assistance 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers a free 24-hour hotline for people who are in an abusive situation and need help. You can dial 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) to reach the hotline by phone. You also can communicate confidentially online via a live chat with an advocate or you can even text “START” to 88788 to get help.
Love Is Respect is a project of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can reach this organization by phone at 1-866-331-9474 or by texting “LOVEIS” to 22522.
The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline is part of RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) that provides live help for survivors of sexual assault. Call 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) to chat with a member of their staff or communicate with them online.
Pandora’s Project is a nonprofit group staffed by volunteers who are survivors of sexual violence and includes a message board and chat room.
National Human Trafficking Hotline is a toll-free hotline available 24 hours a day. Call 1-888-373-7888 to speak with a specially trained anti-trafficking hotline advocate. Support is available in more than 200 languages.
You also may want to find a support group or contact a mental health professional. The more people who have speaking into your life, reinforcing your value and worth, the easier your recovery will be.
