What Does It Mean to Have Disorganized Attachment?

Attachment styles help describe how you relate to others and the bonds you form with the people around you. Known formally as attachment theory, people usually have one of four different attachment styles. Disorganized attachment (also known as fearful-avoidant attachment) is one of those four attachment styles and is considered an insecure style of attachment.1

With disorganized attachment, people often are inconsistent and unpredictable in their relationships. People who have a partner with a disorganized attachment style will likely notice a push and pull in the relationship. Sometimes they want them close, and sometimes they do not.2

Research suggests that disorganized attachment develops in childhood as a result of some type of trauma. It also could be caused by a parent's communication style that you as the child find unreliable or scary. These experiences lead to confusion in your relationships as you get older and may cause you to form unstable bonds with others. Fortunately, attachment styles aren't set in stone—and there are some things you can do if you want to develop a more secure attachment style.2

Signs of a Disorganized Attachment Style

If you have a disorganized attachment style, your behaviors and actions in your relationships at home, school, or work can be confusing and unpredictable. Common signs of a disorganized attachment style include:3

Behaving in inconsistent ways with your partner, friends, and family members

Acting in contradictory behaviors—sometimes acting hostile and other times helpless 

Desiring closeness at times, but wanting distance at other times 

Having a hard time being vulnerable with your partner or other loved ones

Experiencing anxiety or fear in relationships at one point and being avoidant at other times

Finding it difficult to regulate your emotions

Causes

Most researchers believe that disorganized attachment is formed in early childhood based on the interactions you had with your parents or caregivers. Theories suggest that this type of attachment can happen due to the fearful behaviors your parents exhibited, poor communication styles you were exposed to as a child, or traumatic experiences such as abuse or maltreatment.22

But no matter what exact situation led to this attachment style, disorganized attachment is the result of confusing, scary, or traumatic behaviors by your parent or caregiver. Babies and toddlers are wired to rely on their parents for comfort when they're afraid or worried. But, if your parent creates scary or traumatic experiences, you may feel like you want to avoid interacting with them.2

Some researchers also suspect that other environmental factors may contribute to a disorganized attachment style. Studies show that having a single-parent home, coming from a low-income community, witnessing violence, or developing a mental health condition at an early age can also influence your attachment style.4

How Disorganized Attachment Affects Relationships

People with a disorganized attachment style desire to have relationships with other people but are intensely afraid of being rejected or abandoned. This can lead to inconsistent behavior and cycling between wanting to be close and wanting to be distant. They may pursue a relationship with another person, but break it off or pull away as soon as they get too close.3

Research has also found that, in comparison to other attachment styles, people with disorganized attachment may have more sexual partners throughout their life. They also might have a tendency to say yes to sex even when they do not want to or don't feel attracted to or intimate with the other person.5 It's also worth noting that people with disorganized attachment may sabotage their relationships or look for an excuse to end them.6

How To Cope

One of the most challenging aspects of having a disorganized attachment style is knowing how to regulate your emotions and behaviors. Learning to self-regulate your thoughts and feelings may be the first place to start when it comes to coping with this type of attachment style.37 Consider the following strategies.

Acknowledge Your Attachment Style

If you have disorganized attachment, you might not allow yourself to be vulnerable with others.3 Therefore, the first step in coping is to recognize how you interact and form bonds with your loved ones. Research shows that when people regularly accept their mental experiences, they tend to experience fewer negative emotions and their psychological health improves.8

Practice Direct Communication

Because disorganized attachment can cause a fear of intimacy, you may have trouble communicating your wants, desires, and needs with your partner.3 However, without direct and effective communication, your needs will never be completely fulfilled.

Research suggests that direct communication helps both partners get what they need from each other. Communication can be tough, but slowly trying to ask for what you need can help. Start small, and as you master this, it'll be easier to talk about more difficult topics with your partner.9

Trust Your Loved Ones

Having disorganized attachment may cause you to be distrustful of other people and fear relationships.2 If the mistrust continues, it has the potential to morph into paranoia—making relationships even more challenging for you. Learning to trust others and believing that your loved ones have your best interest can reduce the risk of negative thinking from becoming too extreme.10

Supporting a Partner with Disorganized Attachment

When someone has a disorganized attachment style, they are often in a constant state of conflict. They long to be in a loving and intimate relationship, but become fearful when people get too close or expect too much from them.3 Knowing these things can help you make sense of your partner's hot and cold behaviors and can prevent you from taking their inconsistencies personally.

Trust will be a challenge in a relationship with someone who has a disorganized attachment style, especially because their behavior tends to be inconsistent. Research shows that those with insecure attachment styles also are more likely to experience feelings of jealousy and control.11

In extreme cases, significant distrust could be an early warning sign of a potentially abusive situation. Awareness of this can help you empathize with what your partner has experienced in the past and protect yourself by setting boundaries with them.11

While it's important to be supportive of a partner's needs, your needs matter too. Make sure you are communicating about what you want. If your partner's interactions with you are causing more harm than good, it's important to evaluate the health of the relationship. It doesn't make you uncaring or unloving to take care of your needs.12

How To Change Your Attachment Style

The good news about attachment styles is that they can be changed—if you are willing to put in the work.13 To begin, you need to consider what you'd like to be different in your life and your relationships. Here are some potential goals you may want to set for yourself:13

I don't want to worry about rejection or abandonment any longer.

I want to learn how to express my feelings and be honest about my needs.

I want to be comfortable being close to other people.

I want to learn how to be affectionate with my partner.

One of the best ways to accomplish these goals is through therapy. And, while it may be challenging to enter into a therapeutic relationship with a mental health professional, especially if you tend to be more avoidant, there is some evidence it can be beneficial too.14 Not only can therapy help you understand your attachment style, but it also helps you learn new ways of relating to other people and communicating with others.14