What Is Emotional Abuse—and How Do You Deal With It?
Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior where one person repeatedly subjects another person to non-physical acts of aggression or manipulation that negatively affect their well-being. People who experience emotional abuse may experience several mental health consequences, like low self-esteem, self-doubt, depression, and anxiety.1
If you are experiencing emotional abuse, it's important to keep in mind that someone else's behaviors are never your fault. Keep in mind: emotional abuse can be hard to recognize and even when you identify the signs, you may find difficulty in leaving the relationship. This is a normal challenge, but mental health experts still gently encourage you to develop a safety plan, exit a toxic relationship if you're being harmed, and implement strategies to heal.
Types of Emotional Abuse
People who emotionally abuse others use a variety of different tactics to control another person. From belittling words and comments to withholding physical affection, there are several different types of emotional abuse.2
Emotional abuse also can occur in a variety of scenarios, too. It's a common misconception that emotional abuse only happens in romantic relationships. It's worth noting that you can sometimes be in an emotionally abusive relationship with your friends, relatives, mentors, or coworkers.
Older adults who need full-time care are especially at risk for emotional abuse from their caregiver—regardless of whether that person is a paid employee or a family member. Similarly, children also have a higher risk of emotional abuse from parents, step-parents, caretakers, teachers, and coaches.3
The goal of emotional abuse is to isolate and silence you. Here are some common tactics or types of emotional abuse people use to assert their dominance and control:245
Isolating: Attempting to disconnect you from your loved ones or dictating who you can talk to or spend time with
Threatening: Making threats to hurt you, your kids, your pets, or even themselves for the purpose of instilling fear about your safety or the safety of someone you care about
Withholding: Refusing to give love, affection, attention, support, or anything else that you need to survive or feel loved—which may often leave you feeling like you don't matter or aren't good enough
Belittling: Minimizing your thoughts, feelings, or beliefs, which can cause low self-esteem
Criticizing: Making critical remarks about your skills, appearance, or choices as an attempt to belittle your confidence
Blaming: Placing blame on you for accidents, disagreements, or challenges in the relationship to convince you that you are the problem
Shaming: Making you feel embarrassed or ashamed about something such as your weight, the way you look, or your actions
Gaslighting: Pretending not to hear you or understand what you're talking about, telling you that you're overreacting or being dramatic, and questioning your reality
Humiliating: Exerting dominance or making themselves feel superior to you by making jokes at your expense or using a sensitive topic to embarrass you
Manipulating: Using guilt trips or making statements that play on your emotions in order to get you to do what they want
Crazy-making: Denying something really happened, which causes you to doubt your perceptions or memory and may even make you feel delirious or hysterical
How To Recognize the Signs
Because emotional abuse is often subtle, it can be difficult to detect. Yet, emotional abuse slowly erodes your self-confidence and sense of self-worth. In the end, you may start to feel psychologically dependent on the person who is emotionally abusing you.5
To recognize the signs of emotional abuse, pay attention not only to the way the person is treating you but also to the way those actions make you feel. Being aware of these two factors will help you identify emotional abuse. You may be in an unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship if you:567
Feel isolated or alone you
Socially withdraw from your family, friends, and coworkers
Have low self-esteem
Feel unlovable
Experience hopelessness and worthlessness
Feel dependent on the person abusing you
Change your appearance, your actions, or how you dress to appease the person abusing you
Feel stuck in your relationships
Stop doing things you enjoy and feel like you are losing your identity or independence
Feel like you're walking on eggshells around the who is emotionally abusive
Give in to the demands of the person abusing you
Are fearful of making the perpetrator of your abuse angry or jealous
Feel ashamed of who you are or are embarrassed by the things you say or do, even when you have done nothing wrong
Have noticed changes in your sleeping, eating, or hygiene practices
Experience sadness, depression, anxiety, or stress
Consequences of Emotional Abuse
While emotional abuse does not leave visible marks, some research indicates that it may be the most damaging form of abuse.8 Not only do people who are emotionally abused experience anxiety and depression at higher rates, but they may also have a higher risk of experiencing eating disorders, substance use disorder, or suicide.9
Emotional abuse often changes how you perceive yourself. As a result, you may experience changes in your self-esteem, ability to regulate emotions, and thought patterns. For instance, people who are emotionally abused tend to be negative and pessimistic, particularly when it comes to the future or their goals. They also may avoid social situations or feel like they are unworthy of other people's time or care.10
What's more, emotional abuse is a constant assault on your autonomy and sense of identity, which erodes your self-confidence and self-worth. You may feel worthless, hopeless, helpless, or unloveable—all of which can increase your likelihood of developing a mood disorder. In fact, many of the thoughts and emotions that emotionally abused people experience are the same as what people with depression feel.10
How to Deal With Emotional Abuse
If you are experiencing emotional abuse, it is important that you acknowledge your reality. Trying to ignore or live emotional abuse can potentially change the entire trajectory of your life.10 But if you recognize that you are being abused and take steps to address the situation, you have a better chance of reversing the damage that has been done and improving your quality of life.
The key is to build a support network first.11 You will need people around you to help you improve the relationship or encourage you to leave the relationship, especially if your abusive situation feels complicated or dangerous. Reach out to family and friends for advice, help, or any other support you may need. You might also consider talking to a healthcare provider or a mental health professional for additional help.
If you are not ready to leave the relationship, consider trying the following strategies to minimize the effects of emotional abuse on your well-being:11.12
Set boundaries with the emotionally abusive person and follow through if they violate the boundaries
Avoid engaging with the person when they are using an abuse tactic on you
Remove yourself from a dangerous situation or remain quiet if it is not safe to leave
Develop a safety plan, even if you believe the person emotionally abusing you would never physically harm you
What Is a Safety Plan?
A safety plan is a plan you put together to lower your risk of injury or harm when dealing with an abusive situation. Usually, a safety plan is written by you and includes steps you can take to stay safe. It also may contain important phone numbers and other vital information all in one place so that you have everything you need if you have to leave quickly.13 For more support on developing a safety plan, visit this resource published by National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Emotional abuse can escalate to physical violence, especially if you are planning to leave. In fact, the most dangerous time for a person being abused is when they are leaving a relationship or cutting off contact.14 One study found that people who harmed or killed their partners did so because of threats of separation or actual separations.15
Keep in mind: while you cannot control how an emotionally abusive person treats you, you can control your response. Also, remember that you cannot change an abusive person no matter how hard you try. And while some people can change, the percentage of people who are emotionally abusive who do change is extremely low.
How to Heal
Getting therapy is one of the most beneficial ways to heal from emotional abuse, especially if you are dealing with anxiety, depression, or even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). In fact, research suggests that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is particularly effective at helping people heal after experiencing abuse. CBT will help you learn to regulate your feelings and thoughts and adjust your behaviors where needed.8
It's also important to remember that abuse is never your fault. You did not cause the abuse, nor can you control it. But, there are resources available to you to help you recover from the emotional battering you have experienced. With help and support, you will begin to regain your confidence and your sense of self.
Resources and Where To Get Support
The decision to get support for emotional abuse is a highly personal one. But once you decide that you would like to talk to someone or get some additional help, there are a number of organizations in the U.S. that can assist you.
A healthcare provider or mental health professional can also give you ideas or input on where to get help and start your healing journey. They also can treat any physical or mental health conditions you are dealing with as a result of your abuse. Here are some resources you can utilize to help you navigate emotionally abusive situations:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Trained advocates operate this hotline 24/7 and can help with crisis intervention, safety planning, and more. You can reach them by calling 1-800-799-7233, chatting online by visiting their website, or texting "start" to 88788.
Love Is Respect: Affiliated with the National Domestic Violence Hotline, this organization provides information, support, and advocacy to young people between the ages of 13 and 26. You can call them at 1-866-331-9474 or you can chat online by visiting their website. You also can text "loveis" to 22522.
National Child Abuse Hotline: Supported by U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, this organization offers information and support to young people as well as adults who were abused as kids. You can reach them by calling or texting 1-800-4-A-CHILD (800-422-4453) or by visiting their website to chat online.
National Center on Elder Abuse: This organization offers guidance on how to report abuse and where to get help. You can check out their website or contact them at 1-855-500-3537.
National Adult Protective Services Association: This organization provides phone numbers for protective services in each state. You can access more information and resources in your area by visiting their website or by calling 202-370-6292.
Hope Recovery: This online support program provides access to a number of different support groups and workshops for people experiencing abuse.
StrongHearts Native Helpline: This helpline is designed to anonymously assist Native American and Indigenous survivors of abuse and dating violence. You can reach them by calling 1-844-7NATIVE (1-844-762-8483).
